


Questioning

by remanth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Arguments, F/M, Normal Life, Pre-Season 1, Questioning, Stanford
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 17:46:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/852283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remanth/pseuds/remanth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam wants, more than anything, a normal life. And when he gets the chance at it, he grabs with both hands. No matter what bridges he might burn on the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Questioning

Sam was always questioning, always looking for some way out. Sam hoped and wished and prayed, trying to find a way to escape a life he was beginning to despise. For the last six years, ever since the year he turned twelve, John had been sending his youngest son out on hunts. Sometimes alone, and those really turned Sam’s stomach, but more often with his older brother Dean. Sam looked up to Dean, he really did, but there were times he just wanted to grab his older brother’s shoulders and shake him. Dean tried to live up to what he believed John expected, even though Sam could see how much of himself Dean had to hide. And that was just another thing to pile onto the things that Sam hated about their life.

As Sam grew older, he found that he was good at what he was forced to do. He was nearly as good as Dean and he and his brother worked together very well. It wasn’t until he was fifteen and Sam saved his first innocent that he realized exactly _why_ this was a good thing. Or not a horrible thing, at least. Staring into frightened eyes, eyes that could still see because of him, Sam managed to convince himself that he could deal with the hunting.

That conviction lasted two more years. But when he turned seventeen, Sam realized he had another dream. A dream that he’d hidden even from himself so that John would never find it. As he listened to fellow students talking about college and what their plans were in the newest high school he was in, Sam knew he couldn’t be a hunter anymore. He wanted to follow a different path. Sam had to keep it from Dean and John, knowing either would try to stop him.

At school, Sam was safe in pursuing his new plan. Dean had dropped out a few years before and gotten his GED rather than going through the whole process of classes. But Sam enjoyed getting out of his head, getting out of his life by going somewhere normal. Slowly, he started gathering information from his classmates about colleges and applications and financial aid. Slowly, ever so slowly and only at school, Sam filled out applications for several colleges and loans and scholarships. The last one was sent to Stanford, Sam’s primary hope. The further he could get away from his family and this life, the better.

Once everything was mailed off, Sam waited impatiently. He kept up with his schoolwork and the hunts he was assigned, difficult as it was. And he never spoke of his fondest wish, his dearest hope to escape this all. Away from hunts, Sam was distracted and moody, unable to hide his impatience completely. John remarked on it to Dean, but let it go as typical teenager hormones.

Then, finally, Sam got the answer he’d been waiting for about a month later, a few days after he graduated. Stanford had accepted him and, given the state of his family’s finances and his excellent grades, given him a full ride. Unfortunately, that letter arrived when Sam was at school and Dean was at the motel recovering from his last hunt. Sam came back, head full of poetry analysis and calculus and world wars, to find Dean angrily reading the letter on his bed.

“What’s this, Sammy?” Dean asked, showing Sam the letter stamped with Stanford’s seal. “When did you apply to a college?”

Sam could hear the anger and frustration under the calm words. He knew how much this hurt his brother, especially after all the times Dean had cared for him as the father John should have been. He was truly sorry for the pain this was going to keep causing but Sam had to follow his own path. He couldn’t allow John to shove him into the hunter’s life anymore.

“It looks like an acceptance letter,” Sam said calmly, taking the letter and skimming through it. A thrill of joy and disbelief went through him as he read it. A full ride was the last thing he expected but it was absolutely perfect. With it, he would be able to focus on school rather than taking odd jobs to support himself as he’d planned. “And I applied to some a little while back.”

“And you didn’t tell me or Dad?” Dean asked, getting up and pacing between the little kitchenette and the beds. “Why would you keep something like this from us?”

“Because I know how you and Dad would react?” Sam replied, phrasing it as a question. “You would both be furious and try to talk me out of it. Which, incidentally, is what I’m sure you’re about to do.”

“Don’t joke about this, Sammy,” Dean snapped, glaring at Sam. He continued to pace rather than giving into the urge to punch a wall. Or Sam. “This is our _life_. Get the bastard who got Mom. Save people in the process. How can you just walk away from this?”

“Because I never wanted this life,” Sam replied, struggling to keep his voice even. He sank down onto the bed, the acceptance letter cradled carefully in his hands. With all the extra reading he’d done between hunts, Sam knew that being above Dean would be taken subconsciously as threatening. And really, the only way Sam would be shorter than Dean since he’d grown was to sit down. “Dad forced me into it, trained me when he should have been teaching me how to fish or how to fix a car or how to play baseball. I don’t even _remember_ Mom, Dean. I want whoever, whatever killed her to pay. But I don’t want to give up my life in order for it to happen.”

“You’re not giving up your life,” Dean shouted, hands curling into fists as he rounded on Sam. “This _is_ your life! What we do is important, Sam. What we do saves other people. This is a betrayal of everything we are! What do you think Dad is going to do when he finds out?”

“When I find out what?” John’s voice came from the doorway. His voice was curious and confused, though a hint of anger threaded through his eyes. He’d heard the word betrayal while standing in the doorway. Sam and Dean had been so involved in their escalating argument that they hadn’t noticed him.

“Are you going to tell him or shall I?” Dean demanded, switching his glare from Sam to John and back. John walked into the room and crossed his arms over his chest, not even bothering to take of his leather jacket.

“I applied to college,” Sam said, standing up and planting his feet. When arguing with his father, he needed every advantage he could possibly get. “I don’t want to be a hunter anymore, Dad. I want to be a lawyer. Stanford’s accepted me and given me a full ride.”

John’s face clouded and he mirrored Dean’s glare. He was speechless for several seconds, trying to process what his youngest son was telling him. For a moment, John was really reminded of Mary’s stubbornness and determination before blocking that all out. He couldn’t afford to be soft right now.

“Why did you apply when you’re going to be a hunter?” John asked, proud of himself when his voice was steady and fairly calm. “This is what I’ve raised you to be. Your job is to take out the bastard that killed your mother and anything else that goes bump in the night.”

“You might have raised me to be a hunter, but its not what I want,” Sam replied defiantly, pulling back the letter and folding it neatly. He met John’s eyes, not willing to show an ounce of the fear and worry currently twisting in his gut. “I told Dean, I don’t even remember Mom. I don’t want this war you’ve started. I want to have my own life, Dad. I want to be _normal_.”

“That’s not going to happen,” John said, laughing sarcastically. “You are a hunter through and through, Sam. I’ve seen you. You and I both know you can’t just walk away from this life. The idea that you think you could is disgraceful and I’m disappointed in you.”

Dean made a small sound in his throat, struggle apparent on his face. He wanted to step in and defend Sam as he’d done so often before but this was too big. John and Sam were too much alike, too bull-headed to see any way other than their own. There was no way Dean would be able to smooth _this_ over.

“I don’t care,” Sam snapped, turning his back on John and gathering up the rest of the acceptance packet. He put everything back into the envelope before tucking it into his pocket. “If you were even close to a decent father, you would support me in this. You would want me to be happy rather than be a little copy of you. The perfect little marine hunter. Well, I’m done taking orders from you about my life. I _will_ be going to Stanford to be a lawyer and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Sammy, come on, let’s talk about this,” Dean pleaded, his voice turning soft as he walked up to Sam and gripped his shoulder. “We’re family. Don’t say something you’ll regret.”

“I’m not going to regret it, Dean,” Sam replied, turning his attention from John to Dean. In many ways, Dean was mother and father. While he didn’t like the idea of disappointing John, the fact that this might disappoint _Dean_ twisted painfully in his chest. “You are family and you will always be family. But I have to do this.”

“You do this, you won’t be my son anymore,” John threatened, hoping that it would be enough to keep Sam here. “You won’t be family.”

Dean whipped around to glare at John but didn’t gainsay him. He wouldn’t go directly against his father, even if every bone in his body screamed the man was wrong. As it was doing now. He only saw cold fury and calculation in John’s eyes and felt his heart drop. Turning back to Sam, Dean could clearly see the pain and disbelief mixed with determination. He knew that look. Sam wasn’t going to budge. There was no chance now, with that on the table. Not anymore.

“That still won’t stop me,” Sam said, drawing his shoulders up and meeting John’s eyes. “I want my own life, Dad. I hate being a hunter and I _will_ stop being one. The orientation starts in two weeks for incoming freshman and it lasts a week. I’m going to head out there early, see if I can find a place to stay.”

With that, Sam stepped away from Dean and started gathering his things. There were a few pieces of clothing underneath his bed, some books on the table, and a few others things. Dean watched silently, trying to figure out what he could do to help both his brother and his father. But nothing came to mind and he searched more and more frantically as Sam packed. John stood there, arms still crossed over his chest and fuming. He believed he’d raised his sons better than this, to obey him and be good hunters. John couldn’t quite believe this was happening. Finally, Sam had everything packed into his duffel, phone and wallet in hand. He stepped around John to the door, pausing as John cleared his throat.

“Sam, you walk out that door, you never come back,” John stated, voice low with anger. “You leave now and you never see us again. Is that clear?”

“Crystal,” Sam replied, not looking over his shoulder. He knew exactly what he’d see: fury on John’s face and his heart breaking on Dean’s. With a deep breath, Sam opened the door and walked out. Resisting the urge to slam it, Sam closed it quietly and took his first breath of freedom. It was bittersweet but it was good. Sam felt a smile pull at his lips and started walking. He could hitchhike out to California and take on odd jobs until school started. He knew how to support himself. A few minutes later, Sam flagged down a car heading towards the highway. He got in after evaluating the person quickly and deciding he wasn’t a threat. Then, still smiling, Sam began his journey towards a normal life.

Sam would have four years of normal, four years of happy and mostly carefree. He would lose the most obsessive of his hunter’s habits in the first semester when he realized nothing was hunting him here. There were no strange deaths or disappearances and Sam started to believe he’d finally escaped. He met Jessica and fell in love. Sam had even started tentatively looking for a ring since Jess was the person he planned to spend the rest of his life with.

Sam lived a lifetime in that four years. A lifetime of friends, classes, love, and normality. What he couldn’t know, what would never have been fair for him to know, was that that four years was all he was going to get. The past would catch up to him, in the form of his brother, in four years. But that’s another story for another time entirely.


End file.
